Why I left my Corporate Job - Part 2
I fast forward 3 years (to my second mayor life-crisis, while being at Nike) and here is where I found myself:
Covid in full swing ( was alone at home with a 6-year old, being home-schooled in a language I don't speak
Going to court with my ex-fiancée (who is also the father of my daughter) about everything child-related; a 12 months battle ground
I had met my new partner, got engaged and was planning a move and a wedding (court date and wedding date only 3 weeks apart)
Nike went through another reorganization in which I had gotten (again) a new and very challenging role (with huge expectations to change and radically improve fast, aligned with a new strategic direction).
I was in full on Peri-menopause (undiagnosed at that point) and hadn't slept properly in almost 3 years, while all other symptoms have gotten so much worse at that point..
Everything was different this time. I was still excited about my new role and I hit the ground running (because that was the only thing I knew). But during this time of mayor life changes and crisis, work wasn't my safe space anymore. I was on edge. I felt unseen and constantly under pressure. While I worked really hard and had built up a team almost from scratch to high-performing, I didn't get any recognition for that.
Here is what was different this time:
I didn't have the same support at home anymore. My nanny had moved on and I just had less help to manage the day2day.
I had no freedom at work. My old manager had left the company, instead I had 3 new managers: My direct boss (who was new to Nike, overseeing a huge portfolio and not really interested in my part of the business) and 2 dotted line managers who gave me very little freedom (themselves under huge pressure to make changes quickly). I found myself all of a sudden pressured (and from day 1) dragged into an avalanche of meetings, of which the majority I struggled to find useful. I wasn't in charge of my own time anymore and was not given space and trust to figure out what needed to be done. Interest and recognition were hard to come by.
My well-being was severely impacted by my hormonal challenges. I experienced brain-fog, forgetfulness, loss of confidence, depressive moods, joint pain and I was exhausted from ongoing lack of sleep. My cortisol levels went through the roof.
1.5 half years after I started in my new job I went on burnout leave. I had gotten yet another new manager in the meantime and things have gotten from bad to worse for me, when it came to freedom, support and trust. While I already knew that this was probably the end of my Nike journey, I wasn't fully ready to let go yet. I remembered how much I loved working for Nike and my identity was weirdly entangled with that brand. I was the poster-child of corporate possibility. Having stepped in from the outside, into a new field (and in a male-dominated field) and growing through the ranks so quickly, I was looked at as the ideal example of what is possible (even I had bought into that image). So I tried to come back after 4 months of absence, wanting to give it another shot. I had finally received medical help and the hormone replacement therapy had made a huge improvement for me, mentally and physically.
At this point a quick side-bar on Menopause: There is still so much stigma around it and the possibilities to get adequate help in most countries are slim to non-existant. While symptoms can vary of course, it is safe to assume that most women will go through significant distress and struggle during that phase, that can last 10 years or longer. No one talks about this: More than 50% of menopausal women consider stepping down or out of their jobs, during Menopause (while often times being on the height of their career, ready to go further). It is mind-blowing to me, how we let that happen. -
I don’t want to go into details of my so-called re-integration. It was by far the worst experience I ever had in the workplace. I felt like an unwelcome burden at best (that needed to be managed with force) and like a ghost at worst. Let's leave it at that.
I'm now getting to the the most important part of my story:
Why am I glad that happened to me? (and why I wouldn't want to trade those experiences for anything in the world) Or differently said: what invaluable lessons and perspectives have I learned through those experiences:
The right set of circumstances can change everything for everyone; no one is immune to struggle and defeat at times. Life is just a collection of ups and downs.
A good manager has the power to hand you a life-line, when life gets tough. They can make sure you get (and not drain) energy during your working day (to face whatever challenges are waiting at home), get confident, feel supported and appreciated. Sometimes that is all you need.
A bad manager however can transform a stumble into a massive fall.
The experiences over the last years have fuelled my passion for the work I'm doing now.
I got to experience how it feels to be looked at as super-woman who can do it all AND as a barely tolerated burden. I have experienced first hand how devastating and detrimental work can be, if your Leader is driven by fear, biases and unconscious reactions.
The hierarchical structure of most organisations creates a relationship dynamic between manager and employee which is infantilising for the employee and opens the door to parental transference and projections. Any disagreement or conflicts therefore are highly charged emotionally and puts the employee in a state of threat and powerlessness.
It requires a huge amount of strengths and awareness to handle an unaware manager and stay in the right mind-space. And we don't always have that strengths, the power or the tools to do so.
I'm deeply driven to change that. I want to provide the help that I didn't get (and was nowhere to be found) when I needed it the most. I believe that we need more of ' my people' in Corporate. Work should be an enriching experience for all of us, through all of life's stages. Where we can feel good about ourselves, where we can grow and learn safely. Where we find support when life gets tough. Were we are being trusted, where we can create and truly thrive.
I'm driven to support everyone who struggles with the culture at their workplace. I want to help them find a way to thrive in it and change it for the better, while growing through the ranks. The corporate world desperately needs conscious Leaders, more than anything else.
Why am I telling you all of this?
The first reason is that I needed to say it. It is for me. I needed to create that transparency for my own integrity and to step back into in my power and not let shame rule me. The second reason is that some of you might have been or are in a similar situation. It might feel good to know that you are not alone. You are just a human being, experiencing life- that’s all. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing wrong with that.
Thank you for witnessing me do my thing and for listening. Sending you off with a beautiful Brene Brown quote:
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.”
